learning to love 

What does one do when they’re at a stand still with what was presented to them as a passion? 

What seems like life’s work (of what you can manage to remember) is now expiring and you’ve lost what you thought you had in it – so what do you do?

The people you speak most to and trust their word are telling you that this is your passion, this is where your ability and skills lie – but what is its worth if it takes effort and energy that we don’t have? Passions and abilities should restore those things. 

Living in a creative world where our “abilities” are so mainstream that they lose their originality and uniqueness, we in turn end up losing faith in what we do out of fear that someone could do it better or that what we produce is worthless in a world full of basically the same things. 

But what we have to understand is that we should never stop trying to make a point out of our small existence, despite the overwhelming futility of an ever expanding life (when it’s observed from one spiteful moment)   

I’ve spent the past few months in a state that I’ve never experienced before. And it could very well be one that I’ve projected myself by feeling the pressure to follow rules I’ve made myself. 

Now that I have finished high school and I am living independently – literally doing all of the things I wished so much to do ever since I was little – and I find that life can still appear extremely mundane. Someone said to me, which in retrospect was pretty hurtful, that I had everything I ever wanted yet I still turn all the positives into negatives. When I heard this, a huge part of me accepted it and thought it was true but as the time has passed the other part of me that denied it has become one I’ve preferred to follow. 

Even though you can be surrounded by all that you envisioned, and you work a job that keeps you occupied and come home to someone that you love and that returns it, there is still a huge responsibility to comprehending the contemplative side of life. I’ve only just recently realised the importance of self worth, and the need for us to establish some form of love for our position whether it conforms to a system or not. My boyfriend comes home depressed from routine, being in hospitality for 6 years and only 23 years old. He’s lost faith towards finding other abilities or interests or career paths and I find myself not being able to offer solutions. 

I understand his perspective entirely despite the fact that I’ve depended on my varying skills to get me through the academic side of life and thus keeping me occupied and satisfied. But now that I have to actively seek my hobbies and past times, I get his anxiety towards finding that next step. I’ve been told recently that we as humans forget that we often forget our meditative role in this world, and that we constantly seek entertainment to the point where we can’t stand not having it and develop damaging mental habits from our own projections of boredom and restlessness until it becomes so real and frustrating. 

So what do we do about these feelings that seemed to have formed excessively despite how easily we can serve ourselves and our privileges? 

Of course there’s no real answer to a question like that, but we can start to try and accept our small existence in the world and just try to have a life while we can. Waiting for tomorrow only seems to lead us there faster, and before we know it we have forgotten the things we swore we never would.

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3 thoughts on “learning to love 

  1. You continue to refresh me with the honesty of your writing. I think your last line is just perfect. Depression is always a concern but we need to not get too tied up in careers and self critical measures of success. Living is fun and work is a means to living. When I was young I was never afraid to get on a train to anywhere and see what was at the end of the line. Now, thirty years later, I have lost everything (material), never been more broke and never been happier. I am ‘stooping to build it up with worn out tools.’ (Rudyard Kipling). Thank you for your writing and your encouragement and kind words. We missed you Thursday night. Take care. I will drive through Gisborne and imagine the things you know are there.

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    1. This is such a nice message to get, I feel exactly the same with your writing! I’m sad I couldn’t come Thursday I had to work and it’s still bothering me that I didn’t really get to say good bye to everyone properly…
      It’s so satisfying to hear you relate to this though and see honesty in my words. I was going to ask in the last class that we did work shopping – is there any way I could have a copy of that scene you did that started from being in the bowling alley when you were standing behind a homeless man? I loved it so much and I told my boyfriend Dom about it and I’d just actually love a copy. It’s exactly the style in which I want to write and feel most connection to!

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  2. Hi. I’m so sorry for the late reply. I got a job on the harvest season and things have been racing ever since. I will try my best to post a copy of homeless man. It’s kind of the way I write. Empathy for life and a person within it hits me and 1 – 3 pages later I’m finished. It doesn’t make for book sales but for me it is rarely about that. Like a sculptor I am intrigued by words and I love to play and shape. Tasting other people’s words is just as, and quite often more, fascinating. I adored your painted words ‘Gisborne’ submission. It just had a quirky combination with your combined honest writing. Hope you’re well and safe. Work is a huge distraction from writing, so last year was an exciting time to stop, listen and sometimes write. Take care.

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